It’s been a while since I was active on here. I came back recently to peruse the “shoplifting haul” tags and, conveniently, just started having nightmares about my ex all over again. Thank god work reminded me of my tumblr.
It’s been almost 3 years since I started dating my ex and I’m still super stuck. I’ll go months without any heartache, months without nightmares, months without missing my ex or his kid, then I’m hit with it all at once. Hit with the regret of how I acted during our break up, regret of how I acted during our relationship, the realization all over again that dreams are dreams and wishes are wishes, but the reality is that I’ll most likely never speak to either of them again and continue being a cold, distant bitch like I have been since we split. Not to say that this is his fault for leaving; he had to take care of himself, and after all of this time, I respect that. I’ve just morphed into a completely different person and I can’t even really remember who I was before the heartbreak.
Usually when an ex would leave and I’d have dreams about us being happy or reuniting or even fighting or anything, it was almost kind of comforting? Like, if I missed them then it was a nice reminder of them. I just had a lengthy dream (nightmare, they’re all nightmares) last night about this ex and felt sick to my stomach when I woke up. Now I don’t want to do anything today. I just want to go back to sleep.
I don’t even know where I’m going with this pathetic rambling and I don’t care. I’m financially stable, very attractive, independent and well-off for the first time ever and yet all I want is a re-do on the past three years.
